My Story - Jesse CraZe

MY STORY - jessecraze

Back in 2001, I discovered Dream Street by magazine and by my mom, actually. She bought me the Dream Street VHS for christmas that year and while I thought it wouldn't be a big deal, I was wrong...

Chapter 1.

I watched it that night while laying on the wooden floor of my dad's office, where my tv was and I ate minni twix candy bars, staying up all night. I was about 13 and i've never been one to sleep at night, which is bad on my part but it's who I am. So while I sit up watchig the Dream Street live VSH thinking its just gonna be another band to watch, like Nsync and Bsb. Well, as I watched, what to do you know, I got into one of the guys... Are you suprised though? It was not Jesse! No, he is the least guy I paid any attention to. So which guy did I notice first? The oldest, Frankie. I saw those big and baggy yellow pants, that spikey brown hair and smile with dimples in them. I saw him as a Tommy Hilfigure model or something. I couldn't quit looking at him and thinking 'Wow hes really cute.' I also thought Chris was kind of cute but I was pretty stuck on Frank. So after that video went over, I rewound the tape and watched it again! For the rest of that year I was a big, Frankie fan. I didn't learn too much about him because I didn't have access to any internet and magazines only put out so much info and its not always correct. I still learned what I could and thought Frankie was such a cutie. When he would sing 'Dream on' I would get emotional.

So when did I actually become a Jesse fan?

Come the next year, I was on my way to 14, Aug 17th and still a pretty strong Frankie fan. However, I noticed more of the guys. I started thinking Greg was kinda cute in some pictures, noticed Matt was also kinda cute. It's so funny though how I never even looked twice at Jesse. The more I would see Dream Street perform, I would think Jesse was 'hogging all the lime light' I felt like Jesse was a show off, he was too good, he was a big jock and stuck up. Boy, did I not know him...
I would totally ignore him and focus on Frankie, Matt and Greg. Chris was also the least of my choice. Chris looked too fake for me. I was an overall Dream Street fan though and had everyone of their posters in my room, even the least of my fave.... and somehow, ended having MORE posters of Chris and Jesse because the fact the magazines we're putting forth posters of them the most. In the midst of my passion for Frank and ignoring Jesse, there was times I did see him in magazines and noticed his interviews because of his 'AMC' status and the fact he was always stealing the limelight, I had no choice but to see a lot of him. I would often wonder about him and wonder what it would be like if he stole me away from Frankie, so much, I even dreamed about it. It was a rather funny, dream but nevertheless, comfromation that I was wanting to be a Jesse fan, I just couldn't make the transition so easy. I wasn't sure yet what Jesse had to offer me. I had been misslead about him. Yes Jesse likes sports and hes very athetlic, he is first an Actor and second, a musician! He's very ginuine and real. Had I known that then, I might have never been a Frankie fan to start with.

Chapter 2.

So I slowly had been going back and forth from Dream Street guy to Dream Street guy. I never truely pictured myself with Jesse yet but one night while I was in my dad's office again, I was on our computer playing Solitare and watching the Dream Street live VHS which had become my daily obsession and I was insanely crazy about the video! I watched it so much! I had taken a break to face back at the computer screen to move some cards and Jesse was coming on to sing 'Gotta get the girl' I hear him singing like normal but this time, I noticed something... When he starts the first verse, he goes, 'Mmmmm....you know if feels like a fever! Coming over me....' I heard him going 'mmmm' and I nearly had a heart attack. I thought to myself 'Was that Jesse?' I quickly put all my attention on the movie and I couldn't believe it. So I rewound that part again to make sure and when I saw Jesse actually doing it, I instantly was turned on and I felt so crazy. Just at 14, I never knew what being 'hard' was. Didn't know very much about sexuality because I had never taken sex-ed but I knew for a fact I was excited. It was such a crazy feeling that it lasted. I was still a Frank fan but I truely started noticing Jesse. So much that I remember watching this movie at home and I can't remember the name of it for my own good but the actor in the movie LOOKED LIKE JESSE! It wasn't him but he had his hair style and color, freckles around his nose and cheeks and had braces. Well, I think I was noticing more about Jesse than I realized because from then on, I saw a lot more of him, I thought a lot more of him and began to fantasize more about things I wasn't even aware of. I had never been taught about sex or told about what all goes on, other than the personal matters of my body, I learned so much on my own and Jesse truely had me attracted to him. I really didn't think it was that big of a deal for so many months but I had been reading interviews and seeing more posters of him in magazines. Once Dream Street had broken up, Jesse went by 'JMac Daddy' and I just thought that was so sexy.

So in April of 03, I left the house I was at to move in with my grandma and take care of her. My parents finally got internet because they found purpose for it. I had still followed Frank but not like a real fan because there was no more posters or news on him in magazines, I only had past things and was holding on to them still. I wanted to like Jesse but I couldn't make myself admit my feelings. It was a constant battle but Jesse was really rising to the top and was already recording and releasing songs. I found myself going on JesseMcCartney.com and looking at all his photos, watching interviews and videos. I saw one video of him singing the 'National Anthem' at a women's soccer game and it was the first time I noticed him in shorts. He always wore pants. He had a light tan color pair of shorts on, a blue button-up and down shirt over top a white shirt and had addidas on and he had the sleeves of his shirt rolled up. I listened to him sing, just thinking how beautiful he looked in the sunlight, in his outfit and had a terrible time saying I don't like him. Before I knew it, I was feeling things I never wanted to but couldn't control. I was super excited and hyper. So much I showed the video to my friend and as we both watched it over and over, she told me I was crazy and to admit I loved him.

Chapter 3.

now that I was crazy about Jesse, all my room was covered in him, I spent my time on his website, in his fanclub and on his forum. I fantasized about him a great deal and started writing songs about him like crazy. The first song I wrote was called 'The Jesse song' and naturally I don't remember how it goes, I know I was a hopeless romantic over him. (Something i've never wanted to be over anybody) but it still happened. I decided though it was just a fan crush and that I could never meet him. He was famous and I had no shot with him. Naturally, I made a deal with myself to put peace in my head and to satisfy my needs, I calmly told myself in my head simply that 'Jesse would have to be the one for me to meet him because it is just impossible to meet him, hes a celebrity and I don't meet people like that ever. Time went on longer, Jesse started his role in 'Summerland' on what was originally called 'The WB64' and is now called 'My cw'... Both my mother and I watched that show together every monday and found ourselves interested in 'Ava and Johnny' you could say though, my mom was mostly interested in them, I was more interested in drooling over Jesse. In September of 04, I was on Jesse's website once more, he no longer had his older website but now had a flash website (this was before online mobile) and he was promoting 'Shes no you' So im on the website searching his tour dates and when I saw my city, I could not believe it. I rushed to tell my parents so sure they were going to tell me no because they enjoyed not letting me go to concerts or go o meet famous people when they came to my city, which isn't very often. As I told my parents expecting to hear no, they said YES! My dad's exact words were 'We have to get you ready for the ball' I was so nervous and shy, I didn't answer him, I just ignored him so shocked and excited. I rushed to my piano and started playing it really crazy like because of how much I felt inside. Such a rush of excitement when you long to see someone and you are told that you are finally going to see them. I began to wonder what I would say to him and thought about it over and over until the day came.

The day of my first meeting with Jesse McCartney, was on Decemeber 12th, 2004. I had joined the fan club for awhile and had been expecting my package because in this package was a 'fan badge' it was a pass you wore around you're neck that certified you as a fan club member. I had never gotten the package though and was somewhat upset but not so much because I knew I was still going to meet Jesse, reguardless of my badge. However, right before my parents, my best friend and I left to the concert, my mother checked our mail box to see if we got anything. Sure enough, MY PACKAGES HAD cAME! I was so thrilled, I didn't know what to say. I had my badge, I had a poster for Jesse to sign and so much more. I quickly signed my name on the badge and put it around my neck. I was all set and ready to meet him. Still, a little nervous of what I was even going to say. We got to the mall downtown where Jesse was going to be and I found the line of fans. Naturally, there was quite a long, line but I had no idea that I was in the wrong, one... I just stood there with my friend and kept looking around at other people for their badges. Surely you had to wear the fanclub badge to be first in line to meet him. Sure enough, my mom asked the guard there about if the badge was even real. He saw mine and said, 'Oh yes, shes in the wrong line! There is a seperate line for fan club members.' So I left my best friend, even if that sounds selfish, this was my day. She wasn't the fan of Jesse that I was and I couldn't help but to run to the fan club line. Once I was there, the guard explained to me, that my friend was allowed to come as long as it was just one, friend. It was, so she was able to come up with me, which made it so much nicer. I was the third person in line to meet him and it didn't even feel real. It's like I dreamed the whole thing.

Jesse showed up almost 2 hours late, which was bad on his part and he apologized that it was hard for his problem of 'waking up ontime' to be places. I thought he was so cute and sweet. I quickly tried to film him and my hand shook the whole time! After he did an interview, he sang about four songs. 'Shes no you', 'Blackbird' 'Stupid things' and 'Beautiful soul'. I gave the camera back to my parents because it died half way through him singing... Then he did the meet n greet. I finally thought of what to say and had it all in my head. It came my turn and as I first walked up to him, I was really confident in myself. I said 'hi.' and he tried to say hi but he instantly faced the poster I sat infront of him. I'm positive he knew it was fromt he fanclub too. I got so caught up in him that I wasn't doing anything but just gazing at him like an idiot. I didn't move or say anything for a minute accept I knew what I had planned to say. I didn't wanna say it wrong either, so I leaned over the table towards him and said slowly 'Thank you for coming to Cin-cin-nati' It was very funny and Jesse quickly raised up his eyebrows acting surprised that I was thanking him. He quickly said with his hands down in his pockets still facing the table, 'Oh you're welcome.'I just couldn't believe it at all. Then I as I picked up the poster, I started to walk off, almost forgetting that Sherry had my camera and didn't know who it belonged to. I hear my loud, mother, in the background yell 'Take the picture!' Sherry offered to take our picture and I actually fixed my hair before leaning into Jesse. I thank I was that nervous and out of it that I wasn't even in the real world. I was on another island somewhere out in 'woo hoo' ville and I was taking my sweet time. Then I leaned over to Jesse and put my arm around him like I thought normal people would do. He didn't seem too thrilled, yet he allowed his head to wonder closely by mine. Wow I had no words for that moment.

OMG!!! This is amazing!! You have to write more!!!!

jessefan wrote:OMG!!! This is amazing!! You have to write more!!!!

Thanks! I really am glad that you aren't bored with it, cuz it's my story and its true! I'll gladly update soon. <3 thanks again for reading! <3

jessecraze wrote:

jessefan wrote:OMG!!! This is amazing!! You have to write more!!!!

Thanks! I really am glad that you aren't bored with it, cuz it's my story and its true! I'll gladly update soon. <3 thanks again for reading! <3

I wasn't bored at all and your welcome I can't wait for more

This is really good so far! Can't wait to read more! =)

I'm soo thrilled you all actually enjoy this! I thought for sure my life was boring as heck but hey, I guess Jesse made it interesting for me <3

jessecraze wrote:I'm soo thrilled you all actually enjoy this! I thought for sure my life was boring as heck but hey, I guess Jesse made it interesting for me <3

Your life isn't boring!! This was great!!

Chapter 4.

After meeting Jesse, I was so starstruck for months. I replayed the dvd for a long time and I stayed in the fanclub. About 6 months after meeting him, I was able to see him in concert again at Kings Island on June 15th, a Saturday. My best friend slept over like normal and we did our normal get ready, play Jesse music and freak out before the show type of deal. My mother then drove us to the concert, helped us pick up our tickets and then dropped us off. Oh the disappointing part was they said no cameras allowed...BUMMER! So my friend and I go into the park and we hear Jesse practicing for the show. That made us go searching for the ampitheater right away. Forget rides, games or food. We wanted to get to Jesse. It took us until the time of the show to actually find the ampitheater. We asked more than one worker, we were reading a map and we were that stupid! I kept hearing Jesse's voice and it was killing me that I couldn't find him. I totally missed out on soundcheck! So once it's almost time for the show, there is girls all lined up for the concert. Not all of them there for Jesse though, there was another band playing and I forget who but it didn't matter to me because I was only into Jesse. We get through the the line, into the ampitheater and I find out our seats are way in the back, next to the sound system. I was even more bummed out! I tried to sneak towards the front but the guard looked at my ticket, smirked and said, 'You're in the back.' Way different from the first Jesse experience. I still had a clear view of Jesse but it was nothing like what I wanted. After he sang most of his songs from the beautiful soul cd, he was ready to pick a girl to sing to. I tried my hardest to put up the 'I love you sign' in sign-language, hoping he'd see it and know I wanna be picked but he picked the girl in the very front, like he always does. It was just my luck too cuz I didn't get into the meet n greet that night so it was crushing me not to be near him. So much that I cried the whole way home. I bled tears from the heart because I saw his limo leave the park as our car was leaving and I was missing him already. Do you blame me?

Finally after seeing Jesse live a second time, I was more of a crazy fan than ever. I thought I was one of his biggest, that is until I met Emily Habig, on myspace.com who I felt was such a seroius, fan that I became highly jealous of how dedicated she was. I actually wanted to be her for awhile but I knew I was my own person(She's still an amazing friend that I love sooo much) and that I had to start supporting Jesse in my own way. The first thing I was doing, was making music. I wrote a song called 'Da one(Jesse song)' Which went a little something like 'You are the one, the one I love, the one i'm thinking of, yeah, you're all I want, you are the one' It's crazy I know this but its how I was at the time. After making up some songs, I got into graphic design accept the thing with my graphics, is I took more time into what the pictures said, rather than how they looked. I had many quotes on each picture and all quotes were from the heart. I even started a myspace page titled 'Jesse-Bee Graphics' and it displayed all my graphics for fans to use without tags. It was all fine till fans started abusing the artwork by not only stealing them but by coloring over top of them and claimming them as their own quotes. I was not only mad but done with the whole idea. What did I do about it? I'll tell you what I did... I change the title to 'Jesse-CraZe' and re-did my entire page. It was no longer for graphics but I was now displaying my own, craZy, fan-ness... (if thats even a word) I started becoming so crazy that I said and did whatever I wanted, even if it was hurtful to others. I was all about Jesse and so sure that I was starting a trend for many fans to come. Had so much faith in the name 'Jesse-CraZe' that other fans would catch "The CraZe" and also be super crazy and supportive of Jesse no matter what. What ended up happen, was a down-hill/near-death experience.

Chapter 5.

Two years of 'Right where you want me' and 'Jesse-CraZe'. That seemed like a lot for me and it started to wear on me. Jesse seemed very serious with Ms. Cassidy and I was feeling like I had no life. Almost like I was giving up all hope on Jesse. He wasn't doing much anymore and he was just very busy and started with the 'Club Scene'. (If you wanna put it that way gently) So what I did, is agree with a friend that Jesse wasn't as special in my life as he use to be and instead of finding new reason to love him, I started meeting new guys online. I met one guy, we talked and we dated. Less than a year of me dating him, Jesse broke the news about him and Ms. Cassidy. I was shocked, confused, put on the spot and felt like I entered a wind-tunnel. My whole life spun around, like I it was the twilight-zone and I had no where else to turn but BACK TO JESSE! Let me clarify though, it wasn't just because he was now single but he was indeed back in the game! Songs we're released, shows were played, interviews we're made and my heart stopped beating. I was trying to stay committed to my boyfriend but I was longing to support Jesse again like before. I wanted to the same CraZY fan I knew I was inside and I wanted to bleed love for Jesse. My boyfriend knew all along that I was too committed to Jesse and instead of stepping up his game, was letting me have my way and totally quitting on me. Which you think would hurt my feelings but all it did was make me realize he didn't truely wanna be with me and I wanted Jesse so it could have been a win-win situation. Frankly, my boyfriend didn't leave out of my life so fast... He hung around long enough to annoy me and try to cause me greif for being a Jesse fan. He didn't try to make me love him like before but he tried to always be in my way when I was getting close to Jesse. If I was making a saynow call to Jesse, my ex would come and start talking to me to keep me from leaving Jesse a message. He would use my laptop so I couldn't get to Jesse's myspace. It was all I could do to not blow up!

Feb 21st, 2009, is when I saw Jesse again. After 4 years of missing him like crazy, I was finally seeing him again. (I also got to see Emily in person for the first time) Sadly not in the meet n greet, although I did sign up to win. I had my bestfriend over like I always do and we did our normal thing. Only problem was my ex was here this time and getting in the way constantly. He kept telling me he was going out with friends(girls that is) to make me jealous but I could have cared less, as long as he stayed out of my way the whole night. I got ready and then my friend's parents picked us up to drive us downtown because they were scared to let us go alone, since the bar Jesse was performing at, was in a rough area. We arrived, did our by going in and find our way to the front. We once again we're stuck in the back, do to the ammount of girls already there. It wasn't a horrible view but still not the best. The place was hot, loud, crownded and magical! You wont believe what even happened to me because I didn't believe it myself. see, the song I always seemed to make a connection with, was 'Runnin' and that very morning, I was jamming to runnin with my friend and telling her 'I really hope he performs this one tonight because i'm anxious to hear how it sounds live.' Back where I left off at the concert, Jesse is about to do a song and as the music plays, I realize its RUNNIN! I turn to my friend excited, shouting, 'He's singing Runnin! This is my song!' I was so excited, I began to sway to the beat, I sang along loud and proud, looking to the girls behind me, wondering why they were just standing there doing nothing. They didn't even act like they knew the song, let alone know who Jesse is. I faced to my friend then to see how shes reacting and shes almost looking confused. I take a deep breath and decide, to face back to the stage because im so into the song and really connecting with it. As I face back to the song, I realize Jesse is focused on ME! Thats right, hes singing loud and proud as well, hes into the song and now hes looking me right into the eyes. How is this possible? I questioned myself for months if he was really looking into my eyes but the feeling was so real, it was so magical, I sang so loud, I lifted from the ground, I swayed bigger from side to side, I lifted up my chin in the glory of the feeling, I locked my eyes with his and felt every emotion of his pain and his deepest cry out from inside that he was wounded and I understood the pain and suddenly we we're on the same page, telling each other its okay and that everything is meant to be. Oh I so wanted to believe that with my whole heart and I wanted to tell myself I wasnt crazy. As he entered the chorus, he finally turned away from me quickly and began to dance towards the other side of the stage. When he left, the spotlight left with him, putting me back alone in the dark and now really feeling insane. I quickly faced my friend and shouted, 'DID YOU SEE THAT?' She shook her head to my surprised and while she looked angered towards me, she looked away from me and said, 'I didn't see anything.' I faced her so unsure and scared. Had I really been such a crazy fan that I would make up such a thing in my mind and actually make myself feel him through me in such a realistic way. Now I had to spend the rest of the night confused and disappointed but I wasn't giving up. Jesse never came back to my side of the stage until it was time to pick a girl to sing to. He searched my section over for quite awhile, I looked him in the eyes one last time and give him another 'I love you' sign with my fingers. He noticed, smirked and began to search on, now leaving my side of the stage again. I felt upset as if he was purposely ignoring me for some odd, reason. After searching the other side, Jesse quickly rushed back to my side. I really hoped he was coming back for me but naturally, he picked the girl in the very front like he normally does. I think he just has a hard time picking because there is some major crazy, chicks, such as myself. haha. After the concert, I rushed to the merchandise table and met Rule in person for the first, time. (Jesse's merchandise table work person at the time) Then when it was time to leave, I had felt such a rush of up and down emotions as I left with my friend out of the bar, I didn't really know how to react or what to feel. We kind of stayed quiet the whole ride home because I was still thinking of the concert and of Jesse's eyes. (Can I add how beautiful and magical they were) I got home and called up Emily to talk to her about the whole night and about some other things.

Man that experience looking into his eyes must have been amazing!! I'm soo jealous lol this is great! Can't wait for more!

Chapter 6.

Time had went on longer and I was still playing back videos of the concert from Feb 21st and getting all the scoop from my best friend. Even though she told me at the concert that she didn't see anything, she later admitted she was too in shock to tell the truth. Like she too felt insane as me that Jesse would even reach that far back with his eyes and make such an impact on me that way. She also said it looked like he winked at me as he walked off but I never noticed that, nor can I really tell in the videos. I do wonder exactly what his side of the story would be but my friend exclaims we weren't that crazy, that something did go down and I believe her. How did I get my comfirmation? It all happened, 6 months later after that concert, at another concert, June 27th, 2009, at 'River Bend' another amitheater next to a water park. I had won the meet n greet which thrilled me to pieces. I was finally meeting him again and hoping to get some answers. This time my friend didn't spend the night or help me get ready, I woke up early at like 9 and spent all day long getting ready. I wanted to look good for him because obviously I wanted him to see what I see in him. I didn't wanna change myself though and I would never be fake. So after planning and getting ready, I made him a poem that goes like this,
"You are king of your own castle
I am a prisoner
Locked up in your heart's tower
I'm suffering in pain
I'm never going to see the light again
I may seem troubled
Though i'm content, yet happy
I feel so right, through all this
I don't ever wanna escape
When you finally free me,
I will beg to stay!
I enjoy being locked up
I don't mind to suffer
true love, brings long-suffering
I don't see the light,
but love is blind anyhow
People will try to rescuse me,
but they don't understand that
I want to sink deep into
the sea of your love.
Maybe it's red tide
i'll keep holding on forever!!!"
and I also recorded 12 songs on a cd for him. Songs like this one,
"I just want to be where you are
baby wont you light my way
it doesn't even matter how far
i'd run to you anyway
I just got to find where you are
tell me you know the way"
and with that, got myself on my way to the show. First thing first was to meet up with the girls. Then we rushed to find the meet n greet. It was a little scary because I didn't wanna miss the meet n greet, nor did I wanna mess anything up. I was more than ready to shine and let Jesse know i'll do anything and everything, whatever it takes! So we finally meet up with another girl, and her mother. they help us all find our way to the meet n greet. We see this line and assume its it, then find out it not it so we have to leave. Now we ask a guy for help because its getting closer to time for the M&G. This guy tells us exactly where to go and leads us directly to a group of people. Q. 102 is there and taking pictures of all the fans and people around. Then they shout 'Are you ready to go meet Jesse McCartney?' Oh my heart started to lose beat. Words just can not express what I think of Jesse. He's not just some guy or some celebrity. He's like wow I just can't say it because I don't know how to but we start to walk back stage and me, showing off, almost ran. I was thinking 'I gotta see my man! I gotta beeeee wit him!' so we get back there and wait in line. Emily is now very nervous and my other girl friend is trying to calm her down. I'm not saying much because i'm too excited. I'm not good with expressing emotions outside of writing and recording. Finally I start saying that I hope when I give Jesse my cd, that I don't throw it at him. Then I hear somebody say hes almost on his way. So I started spraying 'love spell' all over me like insanely crazy and re-did my chapstick. Then I sucked on a ment and continued talking with the girls how excited and nervous we were. Not too much longer, Jesse walked out in purple sweatshirt with a white shirt under it, he had blue jeans and these shoes with gold trimming. He had shades on and his hair spiked. His watch and his smile was blinding. He was like almost un real and at first I was thinking 'purple sweatshirt with gold shoes??' I was just shocked to see him and felt like 'duurrrrrr' like i was stupid and went dumb in my head. Emily began to cry again and said 'he loooks like an Angel!' I didn't talk but I faced him directly trying to see his eyes like i did at the concert before and HE LOOKED UP AT ME! I just faced him thinking in my head 'You are so sexy and wonderful. I will do anything for you baby.' wow I just felt this 'thing' where omg I was almost flirting but he then dropped his head quickly almost like he saying 'oh crap' I don't think thats what he was saying but that looked like his reaction. After that, I sighed and faced away feeling like 'what else can I possibly do for you? just tell me!!' fans kept meeting him quickly, he kept smiling and just doing his normal thing with 'taking pictures' and not so much words but just like 'work' for him.... so, its almost our turn and im getting myself ready not just emotionally but physically. Emily then chickens out as its our turn and hands me the paper she had with the information about 'jesseforum.forumotion.net' and says 'I can't do it.' Now im totally pressured because not only do I have to give Jesse my cd with the poem attached but now have to give him the paper and explain what it all is.

Awww I woulda been just as nervous as Emily lol this is great! Can't wait to read more! =)

Chapter 7.

Emily doesn't wanna go but I yank her arm and say 'youre going!' After all, I paid for her ticket so I was not letting her leave out of this no matter how nervous she was. Jesse had been standing there the whole entire time with his HAND OUT just looking straight-faced like he was a statue. I was flippin out watching him thinking 'oh my gosh! does he wanna shake my hand or what?' I walked Emily up, tried to find room in my right hand to shake his and it was the most pittiful handshake I ever had with anyone! Jesse wanted to grip my hand but I had no room with the paper and the cd, my purse, emily now letting go of me and starting to sorda relax. After the sad handshake, Jesse started facing the ground again like in the first meet n greet. Either hes shy, nervous or thinks im a scary monster to look at haha I dont' really know but I tried to ignore it and not get upset. Emily quickly showed Jesse this book she made for him out of nerves and said 'I made you this book' Then she never spoke again! My other girlfriend got really nervous and also didn't speak up. While hes looking at the book, I feel nervous as well and rushed so I started showing him the paper and said 'We made you websites' and Jesse barely grinned looking at the paper almost like he could not believe all the stuff we had for him. He was glancing at it and then I did the exact thing I said I wouldn't do and I kinda tossed the cd onto the book and paper!!!!! Jesse's eyes were huge and he was speechless at me. I then said 'I also wrote you songs' and that was like all I could get out of my mouth.... Jesse just kept looking like 'Oh my gosh' and didn't speak for a minute. I just stood there wondering what to do and sorda backed away from him so not to crowd him or do anything more stupid. As he just looks at the stuff he finally glances up at me and says, 'You girls have been to shows before, haven't you?'and that look on his face was like he was saying to me 'I have seen you around' and my heart stopped, I just felt like cinderella when they tell her about the prince and she just stands there batting her eyes in a love stare. I just felt like 'so this is love, mmmhmmmmm, so this is loooove' and all I could see to say back was out of flirtation because I was feeling his vibe soooo badly I couldn't help but act this way. I finally said 'Yea lots' and he stopped in his tracks, faced the ground again with those 'eyes of omg' and then said 'Oh... well enjoy another one.' and it seemed like he didn't know what to say now and then being my flirty, bad, I wanna have your babies, self, I said 'Oh we will' and I said it like I was showing off because I really was insanely turned on so much I could have sexed him right there in public if I was bad enough. so then as we're just standing there with this feeling of wow and not being able to move, the guard is now furious because were taking so freaking long. He finally speaks up for the picture and all three of us girls have cameras so hes not sure which one to take. Jesse trys to speak to him and the guy is more mad saying 'we can only use one camera' so Jesse says in furstraition 'whatever, just take the picture then' because he was acting on edge like he was getting antsy and nervous. I was in my daze now and feeling like 'woooooow im really here with him and hes more than I ever expected him to be' so from my friend's point of you, while im in 'la la land' she tells me this is how it went down:
"Jesse is now back to the spot where he stood and hold his hand out towards me and says so soft and sweet 'come here' so soft I couldn't hear him because I was gonzo. Then he realizes im not moving and says more stern 'come here!' I still don't move and he walks up towards me. I back away now awake out of my daze and notice him coming by me, thinking he wants to get past me for some reason. So I back up but realize as im backing up, hes walking up to me. Imagen how freaked out i am now. he leaned in, grabbed my wrist and began to pull on me. I walked but now im back in this weird daze of 'holy crap where is he taking me and why' and I couldn't function!!! He then pulls harder and I start to lose balance. So Jesse kindly stops and faces my feet to see if i'll be alright. I stop too feeling soooo embarrassed that I almost fell and watch to see what he does next. After he notices im okay, he kind of moves my arm in a way I can't explain and pulls me even harder this time. What do you know, I was still unstable and FELL ON HIM! My heart died and my mind went insane. I thought to myself 'ooooh nooooo!!!!! what have I done???' and my legs were very very weak. Jesse put his hand on my shoudler and began to grip it firmly so not to lose me. I was on his chest and feeling soooooo bad. I thought I did something horrible and thought for sure he was mad because I fell on him and invaded his personal space which is something i'd never ever do on purpose! I respect him more than that. However, he wouldn't let me up! I tried to scoot myself and he continued to firmly hold me.

wow! this is good! i can almost feel all your emotions as i'm reading it! awesome stuff ampy!

Aww wow this was great! I can't believe you were on him! I woulda died lol more soon!

Chapter 8.

So it's time for the picture, the other two girls were motioned by him and while were about to smile, I feel like the best in the world. Like a billion dollars. Like I OWN THE WHOLE WORLD! I'm a queen and im sooo happy and soooo home. felt soo right and perfect. I took advantage of the situation like a smart, girl, would and held his waste a little tighter to let him know how good i feel and how much I love him. He didn't seem to care or move or bother or do anything else but what he was doing already. So then I somehow got off of him after the pic, I can't even tell you how I stood back up, maybe he helped me I was too in a daze to remember. With that said, we now had to leave and I was not ready to leave. I was reallly reallly wanting to stay there in his arms forever and ever and ever and ever. I can't tell you how badly it hurts whenever he leaves from my city. I don't much care when any other guy leaves but Jesse is special.... As we're leaving now, Jesse is also sorda leaving but not really. We're all just kinda walking almost like we're freezing time and making it last longer.... Jesse barely said 'bye ladies!' like he was hesitating to let us leave' and I was thinking 'nooo I don't wanna leave you let me stay' and I looked at him with that on my mind and then I stupidly gave him the 'piece sign' to say 'good bye' without saying it because I didn't wanna say it I didn't wanna ever have to say it or ever leave him =( but he now looks at me like 'what the heck' because I did the piece sign and I dont' think he liked it at all!!! The way he stoped walking, took two steps back and just looked at me like 'youre kidding, right?' like he was disappointed I was doing that and walking away! I then felt like the worse ever and was so confused and lost. I didn't mean anything bad by it, I just didn't wanna say good bye and I was so nervous of what to really do. Finally after that strange look, his guard is making him go inside the concert side door/building thing. I know no words for it. So we leave and head to our seats. The whole way, i'm not sure how to feel or what to think or what to say or do but I know I feel like a 'hot shot' and I feel like 'I own this world' like because of being in Jesse's arms, I felt like a 'somebody great' knowing im just a small, girl from a small city with no connetions to him WHATSOEVER but I felt connected... I tell the girls i'm thirtsy and go to buy us all drinks. Emily says I don't have to pay for everything but I told her 'If you roll with me, you roll high' meanning 'YOu will never go thirsty or hungry or poor because i'll take care of my friends' which is what I did... I bought us drinks and food and we waited for Jesse to do the actual show. I had my hair up because I was burnning up sooo badly sense Jesse made me soo hot for him but as soon as he came on the scene, I quickly took my hair back down so ready to party and dance to his music and hopefully catch his eye again!

Chapter 9.

First song Jesse always did in the concerts was 'Freaky.' Right away my eyes started trying to lock his eyes again. He always has shades on which is rough becuase he's hiding his amazing eyes. That may me his way of 'hiding himself' I don't know but this paticular show, he was very ANTSY and I never seen him pace the stage so much. It was super hard to catch his eyes when he's going back and forward so much. Then finally at one point, now I don't remember which song but he started to focus in my direction and I was so excited, thinking it's going to be like the last concert but then he turned away quickly to the other side of the stage almost like hes scared of it and I was thinking 'Nooo come back! You don't know how good it feels to gaze into your eyes.' but i'm guessing either A. Not able to handle it B. Gets too distracted by it or D. Doesn't want it to happen because he doesn't want us to happen Those are the only choices I seem to think of. It was getting me down because I always have felt like i'd do anything and I mean anything for Jmac, despite my fears and unknowings in life. I don't hold back over JMac, I totally let loose for him. Now that the show is going on longer, Jesse is a total beast on stage! He's dancing extra hard and showing off by doing push ups on the ground. He even got up infront of the drums and was shaking his butt like crazy. I was just cheering him on thinking he's the craziest ever like i've never saw him act so crazy like that. It was super sexy and hard to keep myself calm. Though im very quiet in person so it's hard for me to be loud. Emily was very loud with her cheering and kept saying 'Oh my Gosh, Jesse!' Because neither of us could believe how hot and crazy he was! Then right before 'How do you sleep' is sung, he always gives a little 'message' talking about I believe 'Ms. Cassidy' but he was extra 'angry' sounding. Like super aggression in his voice and my reaction was 'WHOA! GET OVER IT, JESSE! I've only been broken up for 6 months from my ex and you don't see me crying.' But all fans who we're on jesseforum that watched it and had been to shows, said they all notices Jesse was the most aggressive sounding in the video of the concert I was at. So, why was he so angry? or should we say "On edge"? I have no idea but here's an even crazier thing... After the concert, as he leaves, he is walking away to the left of the stage and throws up none other but a 'piece sign' the same sign I gave to him.... Maybe it's his thing he always does? What do I know but I felt like 'Duuude what? are you throwing it back in my face to rub it in?' geeeez I need to pay more attention to him but now he's gone and the first thing us three girls did was run to the merchandise table, thinking we have had plenty of time to buy stuff. As we arrive their, the lady running the stand says 'You need to hurry because Jesse is packing up to leave now.' OMG I was thinking 'NOOOOOO WHY IS HE IN SUCH A HURRY TO LEAVE?' Maybe he had to get to the next spot quickly but I took it personal as if he 'needs to get away from me' it's not like i ever attack him or bother him or do stuff out of line.... He's the aggressive one!! There was noting we could do though, so we all three bought a black, bag of Jmac and that was each our souvineer! then we bought pretzles, since we haven't ate, I didn't eat anything all day because I was too worked up to meeting Jesse. It's all over and the next band to play was 'New kids on the block.' Sure we stayed to watch them but we really didn't know all their songs or names, for that matter. My girlfriend and I were the only two to know the song 'The right stuff baby' and i was waiting for 'Hangin tough' but they never played that one! It was just too long of a concert and we all had to be up for the next day so we started calling for our ride and just hung around outside taking pictures together and not knowing what to say. I just couldn't believe how Jesse was and the fact he was gone. It was weird. Really weird.
This isn't the end of my story though....

Chapter 10.

So on the cd, that I had given Jesse, on the first track, I gave a little message. Basically telling him things I wouldn't say to his face like this,
"You have made me into a song bird. I don't know how you have done it but you have"
yes, that was on there and the very last thing I put, was 'my number' yes, my personal cell, number! I was NOT expecting Jesse to ever call but I wanted to leave open my life for him. I wanted him to understand that even though i'm just a fan and probably a crazy one, i'm also very trustworty, i'm dependable, i'm loyal and understanding of his work. I'm patient and would love him like no other. I didn't say all that I just told him he could talk to me if he ever needed someone.... So I was brave and daring. Not expecting anything... In August of 2009, about the time Jesse was filming 'The Gonzo Files' I get this weird call on like a thursday night or something, about 1am. Now before anyone gets excited, I doubt it was Jesse... they never gave a name though. How ironic, they called from 'Private' and they talked super super soft. There was more than one guy in the background too. They said 'Hey whats going on?' and I said 'Not much, who is this?' well then they were like 'hey.' and I was like 'who is this?' so they said, 'Is this M-Miss Amp?' and I was like 'yea, WHO IS THIS???' BUUUUT, then the background voice kicks in rather loudly and rudely, saying, 'YOUR MUSIC F*KING SUCKS, B*TCH!!!' so right away my reaction was to get super super quiet and feel like 'crap what in this world? you have nooo idea how I feel when I write my songs. who are you and why are you beating me up like that' I was scared and upset. Then the soft voice speaks up again and says, 'I don't hear anything now.' and HANGS UP!!!! Yea, I was freaked, I was scurrrd and I was hurt. Now, these are my choices of who it could be, that had my number at the time:
A. my stupid ex but I would have known his voice B. Some dumb friends of my stupid ex C. a cousin of my mine but I dont' think my cousins are that mean because we're super tight and they wouldn't call me miss amp, they know me as my real name or D. Jesse McCartney and his friends or something So my choices are small. It wasn't from a saynow number because in saynow, i'm not sure it comes as a live call or comes in as private, either. The fact that the voice was so soft sounding, it was really hard to understand who it was. Almost as if the voice was nervous. They never called back and when I went to call the phone company to find out who the 'private number' was, they wouldn't give it to me. They were stuff I had to do first in order to get it so I never went through with it... Maybe this part has nothing to do with my story but however, it was just less than two months after I gave Jesse the cd and it was like right when he was doing 'beware the gonzo' This still isn't the end of it all...

So now Jesse was dating again and I was very very hurt. I wrote a lot of depressing songs and on my 21st birthday, I cried all day long. First I was upset about getting older and being alone. I was upset that I poured out my soul to Jesse and got nothing for it yet. I was feeling like he was scared of me or just didn't want me yet why did he grab me the way he did and allow me to fall on him and what was up with look he gave when I was leaving the M&G. I had a lot of questions and no answers. I felt silly about crying so much over Jesse but he was my world and I was lost without him. However, I had a bad feeling about the girl and knew it wasn't good for Jesse. Even though I wanted him to be happy I was worried about him. That obviously didn't last and that year went quicker than I thought. The first month of the year '2010' I went on this girls trip to get away from everything bothering me and because everyone of the grils was from a different country, I was learning from their cultures and found out the french girl was a 'fan of jesse' and she told me how france makes fun of Jesse and says hes a 'disney kid' but she knows he not!! I was excited to meet her and have that talk but realized how much I still care and when his twitter was hacked and that nasty rumor of 'his naked picture' was floating around, I was crying my eyes out. I remember being in the hotel, everyone asleep but me and I was talked to God and was like 'Please help Jesse because he's having a bad week and when hes hurting, i'm hurting too!' so it was not the best time but I just gave it God and then went about my buisness sense there is nothing else I can do. I came back home find theres not much going on with Jesse but rumors about him in the studio and him doing this 'Charity Race' now my first reaction to the race was 'NO!' I didn't think it was a safe idea. Not that I dont' believe in Jesse but I didn't want him to get hurt. So i was not thrilled yet I knew Jesse wanted to do this as a 'fun thing' and to support the children which is so sweet. I had to start praying and try not to worry about it all. Come April, after his bday and its the week of the race. He worked hard all week and I never knew he already had a small crash but I had been praying super hard for him. Everyday I skipped a meal and prayed instead so that God would look down and see me scarificing. Then after a long week of praying and trusting, came the morning of the race. I had been up all night with my friend hanging out so we slept in. Then as soon as we woke up, I rushed down to the laptop to check the 'forum' and see if anything happened or if Jesse won. I believed he could have won or came very close like second or third. Just as a feared though, I looked at the forum and they said 'JESSE HAD A CRASH!' OH MY GOSH, my heart sank and I looked at my friend almost speechless, very weak and breathless and said to her 'I KNEW IT! THIS RACE WASS A BAD IDEA!' and she just sat there like 'wow how did you know that?' and I was like 'well hes a singer, not a racecar driver... you do the math!' so I opened up the topic to read more about it and they said 'he was alright but in some pain' and man, I became beside myself. I ran back up to my room and while my friend took a shower, I faced my wall so wounded and upset. I knew he was hurt and even though I was glad he was okay, I still knew he got hurt and I couldn't be there so I hated myself badly right then and didn't know how to handle my feelings. What I ended up doing, was writing a song and the song was titled 'For your love i'm fighting' and here is how some of it goes:
"my heart is going out broken in two
so empty and abused
with nothing else to lose
they can say its over when they see my blood
but this fight will never end
cuz you got me in love"
and that was how I expressed my deepest pain for him. Worse, is how the winners treated him... I'm not even going to go there or else I could blow up!!!!
This still isn't the end of my journey.. theres more!

Chapter 11.

The summer of 2010, Jesse went to Italy and to Isreal for Dory's wedding, sense Dory is Jewish (: I thought that was amazing, however, while Jesse was gone, I had this odd feeling something wasn't right because neither him or Sherry had tweeted in a long while. I tweeted Jesse just saying I was praying for him to be alright but some fans I guess got offeneded thinking I wanted something to be wrong and I didn't but I was just worried and they tweeted me like 'Stop tweeting that! Do you want something to be wrong?' well I didn't stop tweeting, I was concerned and finally just like a day or two later, Sherry tweets with 'Sorry we haven't been tweeting, we had some techinal problems but were okay now' SOOOOO I knew there was a reason I was worried.... I dont' care what fans think about me or about my feelings, get over it. I care. Now lets skip over to the fall. Jesse was working harder than ever on songs, touring, his 'image' and I was more than excited to finally see new pictures and to see he's still alive. (because I was missing him so badly like I am now) Shake was coming out and I had made up my mind to do something special for Jesse and hopefully catch his attention again. What did I do? I bought Shake 10 times and then tweeted about it... This is what happened:
""
THATS RIGHT, HE RETWEETED ME! That gave me so much more hope that he wasn't dead and I too wasn't dead. There was still a shot....
Then not very long after that, Jesse started having contest! I was over excited and enetered two of them. (the others were for radio stations, none that applied to my city. bummer) but mysapce had a special contest called 'Get close to Jesse McCartney' presented by, Wendys! I enetered the very next day after Jesse tweeted about it and made more than one video trying to do it right be short, sweet and to the point. Then when I felt I was finished, I enetered.... YES! I was like the first one to enter so it seemed and was more than thrilled to hopefully have Jesse see me and see that im still a huge fan like never before and I still care like never before. After about a week or so, i'm online like normal and get this 'tweet' from Ashley who use to own 'JMac Overload' saying 'Hey, Jesse broadcasted you on his myspace' WOOW, I was soo confused like 'HE DID WHAT??' and my nerves kicked in, I rushed to sign into myspace and see what was going on and oh how suprised I was when I saw myself in his blog and this is what he said about my contest video and another fan's video:
"Just wanted to give a big thanks to some amazing "Get Close" entries. I greatly appreciate all of your entries. Keep up the good work and keep the entries coming. Here are some notable entries that I came across thus far. Last day to enter your submission is 11/12 11:59 am pacific time. Hope to see yours soon. For more information go to www.myspace.com/wendys
THANKS AGAIN!!!!" You can only imagen how AMAZING I FELT FOR THE REST OF THE MONTH!

OMG!!!! You're so lucky!! What happened next?? I NEED to know!!!